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portals & souled humans
Shirl's Blog World
The above is a graphic by Shirl, the center Kanji symbol in black means the 'art of writing' in Japanese
WELCOME 2010 !!
WELCOME 2010 !!
Poems on THIS page:
(click on title to go to poems)
Welcome to my blog page started in 2005. Everywhere I look, it seems that the latest thing is having a blog. Well, why not?, I thought. So here is my contribution to the effort. BTW, the entries here may not be in order of posting so what I've done is put an index at the top. The reason for that is . . . blogs tend to get less interesting as time goes on, that is . . less profound things to say. I don't know how the craze with blogs got started but it does seem to be here to stay, at least until something else more innovative takes its place. Postscript: I stopped posting for a long time because of other blogs I had to maintain at work (the newspaper). I am reactivating this blog as of Christmas 2009. Enjoy the insights you find here and also, please write me if you like to make a comment or have a question or topic you'd like to see addressed. I will be transferring this blog eventually to Wordpress (why I'm not reordering it) and a bit different format.
20091228 - Mr. Wander-Lust is a poem I originally wrote back in 2004 and revised later in 2007. You can read Mr. Wander-Lust (along with these comments) on the page I created for it recently.
Many love this poem because it depicts a situation that exists in so many romantic relationships . . . or should I say almost relationships. A healthy relationship does not exist if one or both of the parties is constantly in flight, either emotionally or physically. And, I believe that most relationships do have some element of this phenomenon going on, even some friendships. Still, I don't wish to break any illusions here.
In this case in point, there was a medical condition that presented itself quite early on. When I first met Mr. Wander-Lust, I realized he suffered from multiple-personality as a complication of bipolar syndrome so, perhaps, he had a good excuse for being the way he was. I adjusted my perceptions with him accordingly. This POEM helped me do exactly that! It also gave me great insight. For that reason, it was a wonderful blessing.
For the record . . . on his good days, in his 'I want to live as part of the world' self, he was the kindest, gentlest man I could ever imagine knowing. On those days, it was indeed a joy to know him. If I had walked away frightened by 'the' condition, I would have missed all of it.
And, I COULD do this because I completely UNDERSTOOD right from the beginning who he was and the way he was. In fact, I still love and remember him quite fondly. .
Now, that issue addressed . . .
Be completely honest with those for whom you care deeply no matter what you fear as consequence. Concealing or running away from the truth only turns that 'truth' into something that it's not . . . a very ugly lie. More importantly, be honest with yourself . . . about how you really feel.
Look deep on soul searching with this. Of what are you really afraid? The truth may surprise you! As ACIM tells us, we are never angry or fearful for the reason we think! If you are unclear what to do, pray for renewed sight and understanding . . . ask that the true source of your fears be revealed. Then face those fears. If you do not, the happiness and freedom waiting for you just beyond the fear shall forever remain a mystery..
It is that understanding that will carry you through and past the fear. If, that is, you truly want to overcome the things keeping you from experiencing the awe and beauty of true love! Love that hurts is NOT real because it is an illusion created by the ego. Do not let the fear control you. Real love? . . . loving others deeply and passionately is merely an extension of being in love with all of creation itself.
20092912 - Illness of the mind: Split personality, catatonia, schizophrena or simply states of being resulting from creative potential misdirected?: Mr. WL was not my first encounter with split personality and evidence of confused identity. No doubt, I meet these interesting character studies because of my interest in issues of identity.
The subject of identity in all its marvelous complications has always fascinated me. In graduate school it was my focus, along with using feature films as a major medium of social change. My taste in both friends and partners has always leaned a bit towards the performing arts on both stage and screen. In a way issues of identity seem to come with the territory. People chose to play roles on screen for the same reasons anyone would don a 'new face' and put on pretenses . . . to impress others by pretending to be something they wish they were but are not or . . . to escape the circumstances life's cards have dealt them. I wrote Master of Disguise to a long time actor friend. T.G. loves this poem and often uses it in performances. Another friend wrote the music that made it into a song. Perhaps the poem captures that need in us all to play the many roles we've always dreamed of living. It also asks, though, how does one find the real person hiding amongst the many roles we play?
About now you're probably thinking . . . . hey, what does that have to do with misdirected potential? I was just getting to that. A third acquaintance worked film production. Some people would do just about anything to have a job like his except it was obviously something he never really wanted to do. His true love lay in the healing arts. Despite the ability to pursue his passions on vacations and extended leaves, he was so torn that eventually he developed five distinct personalities. It may sound rather bizarre to some but, for him, a very creative artist by nature, it was the only way he could deal with not following his dreams. I see this as potential misdirected.
My brothers are another case in point. I had two older brothers, identical twins, who suffered minor brain damage during birth. They were labeled as 'retarded' and, later, learning disabled. Being born in the 40's, wasn't the greatest time to come into the world with any kind of disability. It was a time in which people with disabilities were even further handicapped by the system. Neither could handle the circumstances of their lives and one developed what the medical profession, in much blind-sight, calls paranoid schizophrenia. Ralph's rejection of the physical world was so inclusive he turned completely inward and before his thirtieth birthday was in a 100% catatonic stupor and hospitalized. He did finally come out of the catatonia for a time and passed in 2007 at age 62 due to natural causes.
Okay, back to misdirected potential. Often with the learning disabled, it's hard to appraise the degree of talent a person might have, especially in a society that looked down upon those that don't quite fix in the 'normal' groove of 'acceptable' stereotypes. My brothers definitely didn't fit in and, despite their handicap, they HAD TALENT! . . . not just ordinary talent but great artistic ability! Ralph, especially, was a great artist. I spent many hours watching him draw. Had someone looked passed his handicap to encourage and nurture his talent, I have no doubt his work would be hanging in art museums and commanding high prices. Maybe he would even still be alive today. Instead he and his brother were ridiculed, abused and made to put in long hours decorating the walls of the special school for the handicap they attended. Finally, my mother was the one to put a stop to it all . . . they dropped out before graduating. Her only mistake was telling them to stop wasting time with the art because it would never provide them a living. Oh, how shortsighted she was! The rejection sent them inward and suddenly the label schizophrenia was firmly stuck where it didn't belong. Anger and resentment turned into paranoia. Paranoia, for one of them, turned into catatonia. Wasted potential? How much more would you ever want to see? Great artists turned into outcasts and zombies why? . . . because society just didn't know how to recognize and celebrate great talent . . . Unfortunately, mine is a not an uncommon tale. You've heard of starving artists? So many disregarded . . . and ignored. They settle for jobs and lives devoid of what they love most . . . their art. That seeming loss of soul purpose kills the spirit. Ridicule from family and peers, depression, alcohol, paranoia finishes the job.
It doesn't have to be this way though . .. (to be continued)
20051227 - Obviously, I was wrong about one very important yet minor detail . . . It's a part that actually didn't even make it into the text below. I was so disappointed in my 'twin' not being able to live his dreams by fulfilling his destiny (long story) that in 1999 or shortly thereafter, I swore I'd never love again. As my poem Lost Dreams points out things change, we change and so . . . like a pearl caught in a de-evolving process, what we once saw as a gemstone is transformed back into the ordinary stone. Although that romantic 'lighting' was very short-lived, it did happen in 2004. Thought it, I learned I could love another again. I didn't think it was possible. I had been prepared to live alone the rest of my life.
I thought of deleting the below entry but everything I said is still true with the exception of the statement that none could take HIS place. I have found that true love can exist with many in our lives even as 'just' friends. When love is true and unconditional, caring for another will never change the way you feel. Rather it matures into a favorite forever memory of lessons well learned.
Personal Note on Soul 'twins' (20051109, modified slightly 2009): Included in this blog will be communications written TO a certain individual who has shut off other means of communications. I wish him the very best of everything and do want him to know that the saying about it 'never being too late' is true . . . no matter what once happened, or is to happen or who comes to be in my life, he will always be in my heart and a constant inspiration that fires my writings. I have realized there is none capable of taking his place, as far the twin energies are concerned. The twin plays a very special role in our lives . . . he/she is there to be the reflection of every thing we are afraid to see about ourselves. They are as much the brother/sister energy than anything to be romantically destined. They are there for us to see a reflection of all the stubbing blocks that stand in the way of achieving our true soul purpose. Since, as an empath, I can 'feel' his emotional state, I know he is now drowning in as much confusion about life purpose, my role in that purpose, etc as I and pray he finds these writings helpful someday. Others who can relate are certainly also welcome. ~ Blessings to all, Shirl A. Steward
20051031. Well, I'm one with a lot of lofty dreams but, unfortunately, not a lot of money. Right now, I'm working for the Santa Fe New Mexican. I do like working there because it means I'm around the writing world 24-7. It doesn't pay that well so I'm doing my darnest NOT to have to do any other type of 'regular' job. But, alas, those lofty dreams force me to keep on the lookout for work that is somehow bearable and still gives me the freedom to keep my pen to the paper. IF you hear of anything, PLEASE let me know. My partial list of my experience is here. I feel like I'm prostituting myself if I'm not writing in some way. Strange, huh? I do web pages, technical writing, theme poems/songs, ghostwriting, you name it . . . that is, I'm your jack-of-all-words write-just-about-anything kind of gal.
20051102. Well, I thought I'd get back to this but then I didn't. I spoke to a friend today. I did some work on editing her website and I have to admit it's starting to look pretty good. I'd glad I was able to help. Yes, I do DO websites! She's a reader and has been trying to help figure out the whys and wherefores of unrequited love I have towards a certain someone in England still after six years of being apart. I can't seem to get the foolish man off my mind especially of late. She thinks he's afraid to approach me because he fears the huge backlash he might get from residual anger I 'must' be holding due to all that happened back then. Why are men so stupid? Of course, if I knew the answer to that question, I'd probably be very wealthy! LOL Anyway, Englishmen must be the worse in the stubborn and cut-off-their-nose-to-spite-their-face pride department. Well, my mother was English and I know how stubborn and prideful I can be. AND, IF the silly man knew me, as he THINKS he does, he would know I let things go and do not hang on to grudges. He should know that the anger I hold is NOT from all that happened in the past. It is about what is happening NOW in the present. Okay so maybe he was wrong and maybe I was wrong too, in not forcing the point. BUT, what is done is done. It is not the errors of the past that cause me grief. It is the 'continued' silence because one is afraid or unwilling to face their own mistakes and ask for forgiveness. I hate the silence that never ends . . . the silence that keeps us now apart. Thus, my haiku for today: (I try to write one everyday especially if I don't get to write anything else.) This is in 5-7-5 format.
20051102 (LATER) I had a vision a week or so ago . . . sort of like a dream but it had a 'wow' kind of light going on . . . that is, some realization surfacing in consciousness unknown to me before. I felt a need to get up and write down what came to me but didn't finish it. Just finished it tonight and the results of that effort follow below. BTW, the 'you' in the dream/vision is, of course, adorable Mr. Stubborn from above. (Yes, I am actually quite crazy about the guy no matter how silly or stubborn he chooses to be. ~ Love and many blessings to all and Mr. Stubborn, too ~ Shirl
20051107. Well, I'm back. I made the mistake of sending my poem "Birth of Wings" to the one who send the vision to me. Some woman with dark hair in his office got it instead (I saw her as did a couple of psychic friends). Anyway, my only purpose was to let him know I 'got the message' . . . I am sad he did not get it but . . .oh well. Later, when I pondered the vision again . . . its purpose and why he might have sent it, I realized it WAS about this connection that seems so unseverable. He was telling me that he also knew the bond could not be broken. Once soul twins have found each other, there is no severing of the bond. Like the two in the dream who separated and found they each had only one wing, so too, with twins there is always the feeling of something missing without the other. Twins are different than just soul mates because, unlike twins, soulmates are NOT so deeply connected since they are not "parts" of each other as twins are. It is a very strange phenomenon and one I have battled with since the day of my birth.
Yes, since we were toddlers, we could communicate telepathically with each other and, although he has tried to block it somewhat and I have blocked it myself at times, we still do. He could travel better than I though and often, he would just be there interacting in my dreams . . . more real than the people around me in my waking hours. I remember waking on numerous occasions in terror . . . scared to death that my husband would discover my lover. Of course, the 'lover' was only on the astral plane and only real substance to my dream body but real all the same.
I finally finished the poem about anger regarding him (below) . . . I'm told it's a good method for dealing with suppressed rage from current and past karma.
20051108. As you can see this blog is much focused on frustrations over communications (or lack thereof) with a certain friend in England. Well, he's much more than a friend obviously, but, contrary to what he might believe, I'd be quite happy just to have an open line of communication. It's like having a brother who you've lost contact with and it saddens you that there is no way to even say hello. The truth is I actually have two brothers who I lost contact with many years ago and have no idea where they are. I feel more of a blood sister to John than either of them but I miss contact with them all. Anyway, I was looking through some old emails and found reference to a dream I had a few months back. It was May 12th and I was writing a psychic friend about it. Her comment or rather her interpretation of the dream was "Yes well I been telling you a long while now that John would make his way back to you so not surprised that you may be feeling him in a dream this way !!" Here's what I had written her about the dream, "I had a strange dream last night . . . about the most impossible of impossibles . . . my twin John coming to America to STAY . . . WITH me. I had just come from some fancy event where I wore an expensive evening dress. It was then John showed up. I was in a fancy hotel room and supposed to go with John to start our life but I realized I had to move out by noon . . . then when it seemed bleakest (about getting so much moved in time), I realized I had paid the room to stay indefinitely and then, with a smile, happily left with John. I had the sense I dreamed of this hotel (and storage) room before also. So, it seemed very positive. I would love to think it means he's thinking of coming here. He felt very close." Well, still waiting but still 'feel' him very close in dreamland. LOL Oh, my most recent haiku poetry is on the haiku page (link below).
20051109. Well I spoke to my son Shane just now. He'll be on his way to take a train to the airport in about 20 minutes (it's now 6:34PM for the record). He's been in Japan since last November in a NOVA program teaching English to the Japanese. It's been quite an experience for him and he will miss all his friends over there but he's glad to be coming back. Even though, he'll be in Pennsylvania and not in New Mexico where I am, I'll be glad to feel him 'closer' to home.
It is also exactly one year today that my best friend, Toni Donelow Stewart passed over to spirit and died. I loved her as the sister I never had. She left a wonderful legacy of art and two young sons, Jeremy and Bryan. I pray for her sons' continued safekeeping in her absence.
20051111. I talked to my son earlier for a few moments. He's officially back in the states! Jeez, Japan to America . . . Boy, that's got to be a huge cultural shock for him.
20051204. A poem written about this uncertainty of maybe . . . It's a work-in-progress so it will be revised.
20051213. Yes, it's been a while since I wrote anything on here. I'm also waiting for a great job opportunity to come my way. I am more settled into working with the web at the newspaper and almost enjoying it but I really need a full time gig for the money. I went to the Santa Fe Film Festival and that was wonderful. I made a lot of new friends and it felt good to see some old familiar faces. People actually had remembered me from last year.
Christmas is coming and I have to say it has never been one of my favorite times. When I was in grade school, I absolutely hated it especially the last day of school before vacation. It seemed that everyone else had a loving place to go and I didn't. There were no gifts under a Douglas Fir tree and no decorations around my home. As I got older and had my own money, I started buying gifts for everyone. Of course, when I grew up and had children, I went the other way. I even made my own Sesame Street/Disney character ornaments for the tree. Still, the old depression would set in and I really had to fight it.
Modern day condoned slavery . . .Anyway, it was my father who said he didn't believe in nonsense such as Christmas. Well, he WAS an atheist so I guess it was to be expected. My mom snuck in some gifts for us kids but you could hear my father groan and curse under his breath. Well, he cursed and groaned about a lot of things. That was nothing new. He hated that we went to church and that SHE gave away any of HIS money. So, as I result, I grew up really hating all this "his and her" type of crap that seems to come with most marriages. It certainly came with both my marriages. In both I worked full time and was the main wage earner until each of them finished college . . . but this 'his and her' thing did not become truly evident until I gave birth and was forced by necessity to stay home to care for my two boys. Somehow in the process of us switching roles, I went from THE wage earner to the 'burdensome' dependent. I found it strange how the money I had earned as the main provider had been 'ours' whereas the money HE earned as main provider was still just HIS. It didn't matter that most of our savings was from my earnings. I felt obliged to return to work so I could at least have my own money. It reminded me of being the slave whose fate was not their own . . . no rights, no possessions and no say in anything.
And, my dad and my husbands weren't the only ones with such a mentality. Marriage, for some, is about love but, in our society, it is more about ownership. At least in my experience it was. The marriage license is a deed of ownership, not an agreement between two people to love each other and share their lives. Yes, in some ways ownership is good . . . we should own our lives but that's where the ownership should stop . . . we can not own the life and actions of another. People get married and suddenly all the rules change . . . duties replace heart felt sharing and an act of obligation replaces beautiful lovemaking . . . You interact with someone much differently when they think of you as their property.
Ownership also lives in the state of parenthood. Think about it. We have custody hearings to determine who gets 'possession' of our children. Possession! If a child is allowed to choose, it is only at the mercy of the court. We treat our children as if they are inferior beings, less intelligent than ourselves. But, how about those cases where it is the child who has the superior mental facilities? I was one of those children forever questioning . . . never understanding the actions and stupidity of my parents. So, because of my own experience, . . . I came to respect my own children as EQUALS . . . I love the term 'mini-me' coined by the Austin Powers movies . . . for that's how I like to see the role of a child . . . a mini-me . . . smaller, less experienced but certainly not less intelligent or inferior . . . someone who needs our dedicated guidance and love. Thinking this way keeps from falling into the trap of what I'd call an 'unjustified superiority complex'. Whether we wish to admit it or not, our children are in every sense our equals . . . as are all other human beings on this planet. The only difference between us is that we each have our own collective of life experience that is required for our particular set of life lessons. BUT, each of us have exactly what we need, in terms of those life experiences, so that we can meet, confront the challenge of those lessons and learn what we need to learn.
Back to the issue of ownership versus loving parenting . . . Why doesn't anyone question the way we mindlessly condone the ill treatment of our children? Most parents raise their hands and strike children when they do not OBEY. Slaves are supposed to obey, children should be guided! It is also a known fact that punishment only works as a deterrent because of the resentment and anger it builds. This IS one of the reasons why our society is so dysfunctional. Children grow up holding in that resentment and anger. Sometimes it takes years of counseling to outlive the scars of our youth. Some of us never do. And, it is society that condones this dysfunction with its distorted value system. I remember being criticized because I did not believe in using corporeal punishment. Society's distorted value system was being projected upon me. It's intent was to make me feel bad and less of a parent and I actually did feel bad and less of a parent until I realized that I was in the right and my condemners were in the wrong.
See your children as equals . . . use love and understanding to guide them . . . then, let THEM decide the course of their own future and what it should hold for them. ~ Shirl
20051215. Have you ever been out of touch and not even known why?
Not long ago I met with an old friend then . . . fell off the face of the earth as the saying goes because . . . well, as I said, I'm not sure why. And, with me being a communicator by nature, it doesn't make much sense, does it? Maybe, it was just that I had so much to say that I didn't say anything. A lot of anxiety set in after we met and it brought a lot of tears about things I have no control over. I had put the pain out of my mind but then . . . it returns. She had said that something was stopping me from moving forward with my goals and yes, she had suspected, my twin in England has much to do with that.
A big part of me died when I left England in 1999 and for a long time there I totally lost faith in humanity (because John represented the best of humanity to me) . . . believing that, as a group, they lacked the worthiness of being helped and were beyond hope. That faith in humanity has somewhat returned and, I've made some headway and moving to Santa Fe has helped greatly, still, I have yet to recover fully from the deadened heart. It is much like trying to walk again after your body has become completely paralyzed.
People read John's energy around me and say that he will eventually join me in America . . . and, of course, he is my twin . . . I feel him around me in spirit and he is vividly present in my dreams . . . occasionally, in waking visions as well. I also feel his confusion and heartbreak over our disconnection . . . but, no matter how great his agony or mine, he makes no effort to bring us back together for he wrongly believes we are better apart. I think he might even actually believe that some BETTER version of me is floating around somewhere just waiting patiently to someday show up in his life. Seems very unlikely at this point. Well, yes there are many aspects of a soul however only one true twin. Besides, I personally think I'm the best version there is of THE twin but, then, I guess I'm a bit prejudice. Sometimes I think he wants a submissive 'yes-sir' female, except I doubt very much he'd be very happy with such a person for very long.
I do not know how he can believe or feel like this but alas . . . it means that this crazy scenario just goes on and on and on . . . a forever presence that can't seem to materialize . . . so it may be only all of this cycling (between him and me) in the ethers these friends are feeling. They've said, too, he is waiting for me to do something before he makes contact . . . I used to think it was a poetry book, White Feathers (of OUR poetry) but now, I'm sure it is another project . . . the book on our native life with me as Buffalo Woman and he as my husband White Feather. I don't know. Certainly he could write this book just as well as I. And, why is it my responsibility to make things right . . . if, that is, what he is thinking? Indeed, why must I prove that I am this person in his dreams. The fact that I can see and feel him IN these dreams as he dreams them should be enough proof. Alas, I cry buckets whenever I work on that book.
As a result of all this, I want no part of any man's company in the romantic sense. At this point I don't think I'll ever feel any different. My only other romance since John was a man even more lost in his spiritual direction than either John or me! That didn't help matters any.
I am so tired of this and of life in general. I am not by nature suicidal and thus could not take a life especially my own but still, I've been fighting the urge to end this life since the day it began. Nope, never really liked this terribly dense planet. LOL Still, the truth of the matter is that I DID come here with certain work to do, be it with or without John's help . . . I have maybe 30 more years of this life left to deal with so I'm trying to make the best of it.
20051223. COMMENTARY ON A CERTAIN SPIRITUAL MARKETING EMAIL CAMPAIGN - Below are two emails I recently sent to the Stardoves. Since these were returned to me as 'spam', I am posting the messages here for others to view. When you're uncertain what to think of a group, sometimes it is good to see what others have experienced. I find this situation rather humorous because it is their emails that should be returned as spam. I HAVE noticed that after I sent both emails, I was mysteriously taken off their mailing list altogether. I guess they got the message after all! Ha! The second email has to do with their so-called appointment as ambassadors of peace. It's great to believe that you are 'all that' (a wonderful African-American saying) but to blatantly misrepresent yourself? . . . well, that is something quite different.
Anyway, for some intro on this . . .I first approached them on an inquiry. It seems they had known a deceased individual I was researching. I had never asked to be placed on their mailing list or even knew they had one but a few days after I spoke to them, there I was receiving 3-4 emails on a daily basis. For a while, I found it interesting and was even a little impressed. Spiritual people generally do not know how to market themselves. (I am no exception to that rule.) They obviously did. Also, some of their emails had some good informative information. Then again, as time progressed it became extremely weighed down on the self-promotion side and into promoting others for a fee. And, for a while it was just a feeling I had . . . it all seemed to be going in the 'wrong' direction spiritually and seemed to lack what I'll call a basic spiritual integrity.
I also found out just yesterday that a friend who had repeatedly asked to be unsubscribed continued to get all their advertising nonetheless. Her observations about the Stardoves were, not surprisingly, very similar to my own. Overall, neither of us have much to say on the positive side except that they are extremely good at drawing desperate people to buy into their far-from-truly-spiritual marketing scheme.
My belief on receiving money in exchange for spiritual services: TO BE CONTINUED
20060105.Sorry I've been busy with enjoying my annual holiday depression. HA! Actually, that is supposed to be a joke although traditionally Christmas has never been a joyous time for me. It all started when I was a very small child. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, my dad was an atheist so we didn't have presents or a Christmas tree. I hated leaving school that last day before the Christmas holidays. I've in recovery ever since. These days I just try to see it as just another day and I manage to get through it okay.
Anyway, here's a new poem . . . Shadows of a Life. Yes, it's another on . . . unrequited soulmate - soultwin love. Well, holiday depression does bring up such topics. Maybe some of you can relate. Ha! LOL
How do I fight this overwhelming
To pack up everything I own and
take the first plane across the
to move and live . . . yes, you
guessed it . . .
in the South of England, near to
the one who is my twin of heart
And, I know some days he feels
But, stubbornness prevails on
And, for whatever reasons, be it
convenience or for sheer
we remain apart in this strange,
irrational reality we call the
The problem is that, although
We were never truly disconnected.
He thinks I do not know or see.
But, he is the one to be
for I do know far more than even
I cannot help but feel his fear,
his confusion, and his
Neither he nor I have recovered
From this separateness imposed.
And why? I will never fully
Indeed, why did he hold me in
high regard and proclaim so deep
And so soon after reject me along
with everything he ever truly
that was spiritually destined and
His desire? That much I do know.
He wanted to be free of pain,
the obligation to a sense of
the call which was ours to serve
that had haunted both of us
since the day
of each our births to
How do I express the feelings of
That is deadened and beaten by
Part of me cried to be alive
Another part cries to be free of
So on goes the struggle inside me
although death would be so easy,
I cannot rob the world of what
was gifted me.
I mean, of course, this life of
Itís talents and potential to
towards the wellness of humanity.
Thirty years I have to go, or so
yet I am tired of life and these
How do I cope and resolve these
inward struggles so that I can
the most of this time gifted me
Dearest God, please help me for,
How do I fight this overwhelming urge
To pack up everything I own and
take the first plane across the Atlantic
to move and live . . . yes, you guessed it . . .
in the South of England, near to him,
the one who is my twin of heart and soul?
And, I know some days he feels the same.
But, stubbornness prevails on both shores
And, for whatever reasons, be it for fear,
convenience or for sheer stupidity,
we remain apart in this strange,
irrational reality we call the physical.
The problem is that, although apart,
We were never truly disconnected.
He thinks I do not know or see.
But, he is the one to be surprised
for I do know far more than even he.
I cannot help but feel his fear,
his confusion, and his heartbreak.
Neither he nor I have recovered
From this separateness imposed.
And why? I will never fully understand.
Indeed, why did he hold me in such
high regard and proclaim so deep a love
And so soon after reject me along
with everything he ever truly loved
that was spiritually destined and defined?
His desire? That much I do know.
He wanted to be free of pain,
the obligation to a sense of mission,
the call which was ours to serve humanity
that had haunted both of us since the day
of each our births to consciousness.
How do I express the feelings of this heart,
That is deadened and beaten by these shocks?
Part of me cried to be alive again but
Another part cries to be free of life itself.
So on goes the struggle inside me for,
although death would be so easy,
I cannot rob the world of what was gifted me.
I mean, of course, this life of mine,
Itís talents and potential to contribute
towards the wellness of humanity.
Thirty years I have to go, or so Iím told,
yet I am tired of life and these burdens.
How do I cope and resolve these
inward struggles so that I can make
the most of this time gifted me to serve?
Dearest God, please help me for,honesty, I truly, simply do not know.
MORE COMMENTS ON SOULMATE/TWIN FLAMES: You are very right about the twin flame. You don't ever get over it or forget. The best you can do is adjust and even with that, nothing is ever quite right ever again.. I could talk volumes on that subject. I met mine in England in 1999 and he rejected me. With me, he rejected everything about his spirituality that was good. It is most sad but, unfortunately, it is the reality of the situation. Since he could not separate me from his sense of mission and dedication to spirit, he had to reject all of it.
Also, don't confuse soulmate with soul flame or soul twin. We have many soulmates but only one twin flame/soultwin. Getting over a soulmate can be hard also but it is very possible to forget and move on. However, encountering a soulmate can give one a change to 'practice' that deep soul connection without permanent harm to the psychic. It can feel like the real thing but you know it is not when the relationship is over and you can go on type thing. It's a feeling very difficult to explain.
I've met a half dozen or so of mine. Meeting the true twin without any of these experiences prior can be devastating and, even, life threatening, if there is rejection. Anyway, soulmates are souls you have romantic attachment for because of knowing them in other lives. They are also part of the greater oversoul of who you are BUT not the twin.
It is the soul flame/twin which is impossible to forget. You can not detach from them . .. you are forever connected whether 'you think' you have chosen this connection or not. It is a life contract that can not be severed, only denied. Most people never meet their true soul flame . . . only soulmates. No matter what happens, though, it is a wonderful gift to meet your true twin. Still, rejection on that meeting IS a very real possibility since there are very few of us who can stand in the light of our own reflection (which the twin very much IS) and then, acknowledge and accept what we see. The meeting of a twin flame, can in and of itself, can be our important life's test.
And, how do you get the twin who has rejected you to realize their mistake? Well, there isn't a whole lot you can do except to continue to do what feels right. Seek to feel compassion for their personality's natural reaction to withdraw in fear. Surround them always with light and love. Their energies will be around you also and, if you tend to remember your dreams. you may find yourself always dreaming of their presence. This is because, regardless of what they think in their state of denial, they will still be drawn to their twin soul's energy. It is healing for them. That is as it should be.
When one is lost in denial, there is little that will influence and awaken that person to truth except their own self-realization that they are in fact IN DENIAL. The greatest gift you can give your twin is to continue to evolve on your spiritual path and do what exactly what you came to do. Because the two of you are so bound together on a deep soul level, any positive movement toward your own evolvement WILL affect and help to jumpstart theirs. Also, if you easily communicate with your guides and masters, then communicating with your twin soul is just as possible.
20060123 Jeez. Just found this on an old dating site profile of mine from early 2004. It sounds cool at least LOL.
"In my poetry and other writings you'll discover who I am . . . a very spiritual, compassionate, hopeless romantic . . . All my life I have been looking to find my perfect life partner . . . someone who believes in true unconditional love the way I do . . . someone who shares the same dreams of making a difference in the world . . . through our teaching and creative efforts . . . someone who believes, as I do, that spirituality is a way of life . . . that each person must find their own truth and truly live it. I've seen that man a thousand times in my dreams. I even saw him once in a very mystical village in England. How our eyes met . . . I will never forget. If you can fit that picture or come close, please write. In fact, I'd love to hear from anyone who shares my passion for artistic expression . . . Just moved to Santa Fe, NM in December from the East Coast. NOTE: I do value a great friendship far more a romantic connection. Great love flows from great friendship. Think about it!"
20060302 Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I put an entry here. I've written plenty but just haven't posted. Thought there are lots of new haikus. Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about sharing visions and dreams with someone you love. That feeling lead me to a singles' site I hadn't been to in a long time.
20060325 . . .
7/24/2006 Many of the entries below are actually commentaries I made on the WEECreate or other discussion forums. I thought I would add them here since I have neglected my postings here for a time.
is a starseed? (Originally
written 2/1/2006) People have often asked me
'What is a starseed?' And, indeed,
it is not an easy question to answer. I'm one
and can't really give you a clear definition.
Although, not all starseeds fit the mold
suggested by the starseed test, it does give you
a rather accurate description of what a typical
starseed might experience and feel however.
►Disassociation: Probably some of you
(who are starseeds) reading this can relate to
someone commenting that we're disassociated or
need grounding in the 'real world.'
always multi-task very well with much skill but
yet I had a very noticeable 'delayed' response
to most stimuli. I now attribute that condition
to the fact that I had a different brain
chemistry than others (as is consistent with the
variable brain wave activity theory of Frank
Alper talked about in my last post*) and a
general state of disassociation.. It took me
longer to access information within my brain but
the results I got, when taking a essay test for
example, were far superior than those around me.
This is, though, assuming I was allowed an extra
10 minutes or so to finish the exam. In graduate
school, I came to formulate certain theories
regarding the brain chemistry of both the
creative and starseed brain that largely
substantiated this phenomena, even to the
amazement of my cognition professor.
notion of being creative: (originally
written 2/4/2006) I do want to clarify for
everyone this notion of 'being creative.'
The subject came up because a friend was
encouraging all to be creative! And, so do I.
However, I don't want anyone turned away from my
forums or from this site because they think
they're not creative. Being creative encompasses
many things. It is NOT limited to art, writing
or music. It's also about just expressing
yourself in other 'creative ways' . . . whether
your mission be about teaching, healing,
manifesting a better destiny or just being a
better you . . . these are all creative ways to
express the essence of who you are.
►Organic portals and "souled" humans?
(originally written 2/15/2006) Someone sent me
the following link that was posted on another
forum. It's about organic portals and souled
http://montalk.net/matrix/62 I found
this article extremely interesting as were many
of the other articles posted on this site and
others sites linked/associated with it.
organic portals, drones, the powers that be and
divine manifestation: (originally
written 2/16/2006) Apparently, this notion of
organic portals etc very much upset one of my
friends. A new truth has a way of doing
this however. It will shock you into higher and
higher levels of awareness. For each new 'truth'
will challenge every other truth you hold dear.
This IS a good thing. If, by the way, things
said there in that article, on my forums or by
me, do NOT ring true to you, it is your choice
to reject them and not accept them into your
truth. I respect your truth as I respect mine
and everyone else's here. The body of our
beliefs IS our universe . . . each universe is
separate and distinct. This IS as it should be.
Truth within a universe is relative to and
builds upon every other truth that exists within
►A drone society?
The organic Portals and
Souled Humans discussion continued . .
(originally written on 2/16/2006)
On responding to my comments on organic portals
and souled humans, a member of my forum
introduced here a whole other discussion that
clearly did not relate to the issue of organic
portals vs higher level beings. It also opened
up a whole new discussion on the nature of who
WE are. So, (addressing all here) in response to
these discussions, please be clear in your
subject as to which line of thought you are
commenting on. Thanks to all.
Authorís Credits (originally written
2/20/2006) -There is an issue that needs to be
addressed here and I decided to post my comments
here for others to read also because it is a
very important topic . . . authorship and giving
credit where it is due.
►A Pretend Cosmic-Interdimensional fair: One of my group suggested the idea of imagining an interdimensional cosmic fair and asked what we'd do for a booth. I thought about it for a long time and came up with the following. I can't post what others wrote since I don't have their permission but if you have a great idea, please send it along to me via the cosmic courier (also known as email) and I'll consider printing the best ones. Well, here goes . . . MY BOOTH . . .
would ask my soultwin to join me in this venture
so we could take a double sized booth. Our booth
would be truly multi-dimensional. On the one
side would be unique collection of art treasures
from my home Sirius and other highly evolved
planets in that vicinity. It would include a set
of paintings representing the various species of
my home galaxy. My personal favorites are the
bird and lion like people since I remember being
one of their kind. We also have a great
selection of books. Some are by us and some by
friends. Ours are both include creative writings
and also chronicle our travels throughout alien
Note: All seeming relationships to reality in the above passage are your imagination. Or are they? LOL
►More on twin flames:
(originally written 3/1/2006 in response to a
friend) Yes, that is what I said. We have only
one true soul twin and many soul mates. Soul
mates prepare us for meeting that twin, assuming
we are even lucky enough to have the
opportunity. Few ever meet the true twin and if
a relationship does form, most often it is not a
romance one in nature. It is just too intense,
among other things.
►ET Visitation of our young ones and protective shields: (in response to someone who wrote that their child was being visited by ETs .. . written in early March, 2006) That is interesting. It is obvious that something is visiting them. However, I never got the impression that the big-eyed ETs were the good guys. (See Bringers of the Dawn, I think Barbara agrees with me, at least on that point) I do believe, though, that the big-eyed one are curious about the starchildren and want to know more about them. So, they, along with the guardian 'parent' planet ETs, do visit these children on a regular basis. I was visited. My eldest son was visited. I do not think their experiments on star people is allowed. Star people are only observed. These ETs, however, don't always know the difference and their experiments are occasionally misguided.
Make sure you ask that protection be put around your children so they are only approached by the guardians. THIS invocation of a shield of protection is very important. Do it! BTW I know, with absolute certainty, that all modifications of my physical being or psyche came from only the guardian ETs. I received three implants from the guardians, one of which still remains. There were no words for a special child when my son was born other than starseed or starchild. I just always knew my eldest son was special. He is now 29. How could it be that, even in preschool, he was known as the little professor? He had great insights to share with everyone, even then. He had many strange very 'real' dreams.
At five, he started telling me who I had been in his pastlives and later, whenever I spoke to him of mine, he could tell exactly who he had been in mine. Many of us have problems in school. I've spoken before of my slow-motion reaction time to things because of my being out-of-psych with my physical body. My son was flunking some of his subjects because he refused to conform to the rules, etc. I was forced to transfer him out of the school system into a private 'alternative' school where the child creates his or her own lesson plan. He soon, not only improved, he starting showing his unique talents and genius. He focused on developing his fascination for both animal and human evolution into an art. He went on to graduate from college with honors. He was visited frequently. He was scared to death of the big-eyed ones. I didn't know it at first. He ran to me, in tears, hysterical, when his father shut the lights off, begging me to allow the lights to stay on because the dark frightened him so much. (I obviously divorced that man who, continually, refused to understand the uniqueness of his own child.)
Anyway, my son was super sensitive and he told me there were beings coming into his room from the closet and from outside too. The ones from outside took him places. The big-eyed ones and the others from the closet scared him to death. One day he showed me a surgical scar that just appeared from no where. It had not been there the day previously. That's when he really got frightened because he felt he had no control over what they could do to him. That's when I realized I needed to invoke the shield of protection around him. His fear slowly abated after that and there were no future 'experiment' incidents.
Complicating the issue was the fact that a young woman and her baby had been murdered in the house years before in the 1930's. Her presence and the deed-doing dark entity were frequently felt there. My son felt it more because his room was right next to the bathroom, the scene of the crime. There was an opening in his closet to the back of the bathroom fixtures. Even though it had a cover, he insisted that I seal it up. That sealing helped but it took an full exocism to remove the dark one. An aside: This dark one was a demonic presence that I had fought in a pastlife as a spiritual man in Egypt. My son had been one of my daughters then.
truth with Relatives and friends (originally
Note: This is a response to comments on
when it's okay to share with friends and family
. . . Yes, it does depend on the level of
awareness and understanding a person is at. This
is my view on the subject . . .
I am working towards FINALLY getting some of my books published. Hopefully, I will have at least one poetry collection published by the end of the year and I'm shooting for more. It's funny how time goes by so quickly and so many things get in the way of doing that very thing you 'think' drives your purpose. For sure, my life typifies this pattern. It was never what they call writer's block. It was . . .work writing projects always came first or I was too tired or I was deep in the grips of some crisis . . . the last of which was the death of my dear friend and illustrator, Toni Donelow Stewart. If any of you can relate to that please email me.
Soon, I hope to also have a blog on women's issues and other more mainstream issues. Yes, I actually am knowledgeable in those areas and can write about that stuff also! It will be accessible from the Santa Fe New Mexican newspaper website (my employer).
Goodnite for now. ~ Shirl
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